Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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