I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
