wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
