Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize