Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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