Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize