Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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