Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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