Capitaan dildo arrescate!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
We smell like vodka and hangover
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