i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
false alarm. still invincible.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
