can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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