can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So many bounce houses so little time
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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