He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
