My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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