Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
