I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
