her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
