Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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