Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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