i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
