I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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