life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
