I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
All I want is dick and wine.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
