It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize