I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She's the barista slut.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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