this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
