Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
