If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
