You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You ruined the universe
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
