sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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