Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize