Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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