I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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