ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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