You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
