Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
