yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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