Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
