Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I want a musical about memes.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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