the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So much Jack, so little girl.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
