AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
