I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
