I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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