That's when you crack a 10am beer
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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