Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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