im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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