I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
