After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize