Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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