Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
