he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
how does that bad decision feel?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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