he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
