Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
