Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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