dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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