my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
