She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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