i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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