Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
