I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize