True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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